Somebody once told me suicide\u2019s supposed to be really common for people who\u2019ve won the lottery.\u00a0 Never surprised me.\u00a0 People don\u2019t know what to do with themselves when times are tough; they sure as shit don\u2019t know what to do when things go right for a change.\u00a0 Maybe it\u2019s just kind of hard to know how you\u2019re supposed to respond exactly to good luck when it decides to come along.\u00a0 My best luck came along in the form of the most beautiful girl I\u2019d ever seen.<\/p>\n
Thing is, the day I met her, I\u2019d just eaten my adult life\u2019s first ample serving of humble pie.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t any new kind of story.\u00a0 Any Tom, Dick or Harry who knows factory work could tell the same one.\u00a0 Good old Tommy never finished high school, but he was great at a party.\u00a0 One friend or another gets Tommy a job at the factory up the road.\u00a0 Tommy does okay, makes friends with his boss, and works hard.\u00a0 He doesn\u2019t have any real ambition \u2013 just wants to pay the rent and buy himself a beer at the end of the night.\u00a0 The decent retirement\u2019s a bonus he doesn\u2019t think about too much.\u00a0 But then one day the big man up top dies.\u00a0 His sons don\u2019t want to deal with his pain-in-the-ass factory, so they sell it.\u00a0 Buyer thinks it costs too much to pay Tommy to work for him.\u00a0 He finds workers in India willing to do Tommy\u2019s job for about a twenty-eighth of the cost.\u00a0 Plus there\u2019s no retirement package to spring for.\u00a0 So, good old Tommy and his boss and everybody else they\u2019ve worked with for the last 8 years say adios to the closest thing most of them had to the promise of a comfortable future.\u00a0 Such is life.<\/p>\n
The day they let us go, my boss took me out for a drink at Nick\u2019s, where we\u2019d always gone after work.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you worry \u2019bout a thing, Tommy.\u00a0 I\u2019ll figure something out for us.\u201d\u00a0 People always were that way with me.\u00a0 My teachers, my mom, my friends.\u00a0 Everybody always seemed to want to help me out any way they could.\u00a0 Before she died, my mom once told me it was because of my pretty blue eyes.\u00a0 Damn, I missed her.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m looking into stuff, you just wait and see.\u201d\u00a0 Jim was slurring his words already.\u00a0 I was looking into my wallet under the table, trying to be discreet, checking to see if I had enough dough left to get us both a taxi ride home.\u00a0 Jim saw me.\u00a0 \u201cNow, Tommy, put that damn thing away!\u00a0 It\u2019s on me tonight.\u00a0 Dolly, \u2019nother round!\u201d\u00a0 I looked up at Jim, ready to tell him we\u2019d had enough, when I saw her.<\/p>\n
It was like rotating a camera lens, when one thing leaves your focus and another one comes in.\u00a0 All of a sudden, Jim was just a blur and she was all I saw.\u00a0 And I could see her seeing me, too.\u00a0 \u201cJim\u2026\u201d\u00a0 He\u2019d caught my line of vision and looked behind him, then turned back and picked up his drink.<\/p>\n
\u201cPretty hot shit.\u00a0 Better go get \u2019er before half the bar\u2019s askin\u2019 for her number.\u201d<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t remember standing up and walking over there.\u00a0 When I think back on the night, it\u2019s like I teleported over to her \u2013 floated or something.\u00a0 Sure, I\u2019d had a few drinks and I was buzzing.\u00a0 But Jim was ahead of me by a third at least, and he couldn\u2019t handle his booze anyway.\u00a0 I might not remember walking over there, but I sure as hell remember what we said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour hair\u2019s so curly,\u201d she said as I approached.\u00a0 So apparently I wasn\u2019t the only one who\u2019d had a bit to drink.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLucinda\u2026for now.\u00a0 What\u2019s your\u2019s?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTommy.\u00a0 What kinda name\u2019s Lucinda for a girl from California?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho says I\u2019m from California?\u00a0 And what kinda name\u2019s Tommy for anybody over the age of ten?\u201d<\/p>\n
We paused and just looked at each other. \u00a0I didn\u2019t know what to say.\u00a0 I was grinning so big, my jaw hurt, but I couldn\u2019t stop. I drank her in \u2013 her copper red hair, pulled up into something behind her head….don\u2019t remember what now, but I remember thinking there was a lot of it.\u00a0 Her green eyes.\u00a0 Light green, like the color of grass in the sunlight<\/i>, I\u2019d tell her one time later.\u00a0 Her mascara and thick black eyeliner had smudged a bit below her eyes, not like she\u2019d been crying, but like it\u2019d been a long day.\u00a0 \u201cWell, Tommy, I was gonna go and have a cigarette.\u00a0 Care to join me?\u201d\u00a0 There were two smoking spots at Nick\u2019s.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbsolutely. Where we headed?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy place.\u201d<\/p>\n
I left some cash at the bar for Jim\u2019s cab and was out the door.\u00a0 We didn\u2019t come up for air for three days, when I finally headed home for a shower and change of clothes.\u00a0 By that point, I had about fifteen messages on my answering machine, and about twelve of them were from Jim.\u00a0 I called him back.<\/p>\n
\u201cTommy, what the fuck?\u00a0 You scared the shit outta me.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what the fuck happened to you the other night.\u00a0 You coulda called me, for Christ\u2019s sake.\u00a0 Or sent me a fucking letter by now.\u00a0 Shit.\u201d<\/p>\n
He was right.\u00a0 I heard him out \u2013 I knew he\u2019d forgive me once he saw the extraordinary Lucinda with sober eyes.\u00a0 \u201cListen, Jim, let me make it up to you.\u00a0 Let me take you out to lunch.\u00a0 I want you to meet somebody.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTake me out to lunch with what money?\u00a0 You tryin\u2019 to tell me you\u2019ve got some sort of savings somewhere?\u00a0 Boy, you are unemployed.\u201d\u00a0 The way he emphasized the last syllable grated on my nerves.\u00a0 \u201cBut, yeah.\u00a0 You can buy me lunch.\u00a0 I found us a pretty good opportunity.\u00a0 Tide us over for a while.\u00a0 Think you might be into it.\u00a0 Plus you owe me for the years you took off my fuckin\u2019 life making me worry like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim was at the diner looking pretty nervous before we arrived.\u00a0 I must have looked like some kid coming home with an A on his science project.\u00a0 And then there was Lucy.\u00a0 Lucinda to the rest of the world, but Lucy now for me.\u00a0 She looked amazing in this long, flowy purple number that just made her hair and eyes scream out for even more attention, as if that was even possible.\u00a0 Every pair of eyes \u2013 male or female \u2013 was on her.\u00a0 This was the first time we\u2019d gone out together properly, soberly, and I was starting to wonder if I could handle this much woman.\u00a0 I\u2019m not one to think about women in terms of cheap or classy. If I\u2019m being honest, I just love a beautiful woman.\u00a0 But if I had to say, I\u2019d have called Lucy classy as hell any day of the week.\u00a0 She was ravishing.\u00a0 Jim looked excited, alright, but he didn\u2019t seem the least bit fazed by Lucy.<\/p>\n
\u201cJim, I\u2019d like you to meet Lucinda.\u00a0 Lucinda, Jim.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lucy reached out her hand and Jim took it, but sort of in a distracted way, as if he\u2019d forgotten simple social customs.\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s lovely to meet you, Jim.\u00a0 Tommy\u2019s told me so much about you.\u201d\u00a0 Just then he saw her \u2013 like, really saw <\/i>her \u2013 and I could swear he almost blushed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, don\u2019t you believe a word of it, darlin\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 We ordered and ate, and conversation was just fine.<\/p>\n
Lucy stood up.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m gonna go to the little girls\u2019 room, honey.\u00a0 Order me another iced tea while I\u2019m gone, will ya?\u201d she asked, and turned to walk away.\u00a0 God, she looked good when she walked away.<\/p>\n
\u201c\u2018Little girls\u2019 room\u2019?\u00a0 \u2018Honey\u2019?\u00a0 What\u2019ve you guys been fuckin\u2019 for \u2013 three days?\u00a0 This chick is a trip, Tommy.\u00a0 But easy on the eyes, that\u2019s for damn sure.\u00a0 You always know how to pick \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s different, Jim.\u00a0 She\u2019s a keeper.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know how I know it \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know how you know it.\u00a0 It\u2019s that sweet ass she\u2019s carrying around.\u201d\u00a0 He smiled.\u00a0 Jim never meant any harm, even if his mouth was as big as his gut sometimes.<\/p>\n
\u201cListen, Tommy, we gotta talk.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah.\u00a0 So what\u2019s this about, anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n
And then Jim proceeded to let me in on the most lucrative \u2013 if illegitimate \u2013 business opportunity of my life.\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t complicated.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, it was downright \u00a0simple:\u00a0 we\u2019d drive down to Tijuana in somebody else\u2019s car.\u00a0 Back then, any guy with an American accent and a driver\u2019s license could cross the border twenty times a day if they liked.\u00a0 We\u2019d only need to do it the once, though.\u00a0 We\u2019d leave the car in a designated parking lot in TJ, where somebody would pick us up.\u00a0 They\u2019d drive us to a rat hole motel where we\u2019d check in under false names.\u00a0 Somebody else would pick us up in the middle of the night and drive us to the coast, where we\u2019d pick up a motorboat.\u00a0 This is how we got the gig in the first place \u2013 Jim was a first rate fisher and knew what to do with a motorboat.\u00a0 And Jim trusted me.<\/p>\n
From there it was a bit more difficult.\u00a0 In the wee hours of the morning, we\u2019d navigate that boat up the coast up to some beach in San Diego, just south of the Del Mar Racetracks.\u00a0 Leave the boat put, and walk away.\u00a0 Navigating a boat in the dark seemed to me to be a little tricky.\u00a0 What was trickier was that the boat would be unlit.\u00a0 That is, no light for us \u2013 only a flashlight for absolute emergencies.\u00a0 And it would be painted black, just like the song.\u00a0 Oh, and the sideboards would be loaded with grass.<\/p>\n
Somebody would come in behind us and take care of the rest.\u00a0 \u201cHow much weed are we talking about here, Jim?\u201d I tried to keep my voice at that level between normal and a whisper, so nobody would think we were talking about something fishy, but nobody could hear us, either.<\/p>\n
\u201cStop talking like this is a movie or something, Tommy!\u00a0 Sit up, for Christ\u2019s sake.\u00a0 Shit!\u00a0 Where\u2019s that pretty little thing you brought in here, anyway?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019d been so engrossed in our conversation, I hadn\u2019t even noticed she\u2019d been gone so long.\u00a0 The waitress passed by.\u00a0 \u201cCan we get some more iced teas all around, sweetheart?\u201d\u00a0 Women never seemed to mind when Jim called them pet names like that.\u00a0 Lucy walked up right then, sat down next to me.\u00a0 I could tell something was up, but I wasn\u2019t sure what.\u00a0 \u201cSo, Lucinda, what do you do for a living?\u201d\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t believe it.\u00a0 It hadn\u2019t even occurred to me to ask her that in the roughly 83 hours we\u2019d so far spent in each other\u2019s company, most of them as naked as the day we were born.\u00a0 Come to think of it, she hadn\u2019t asked me, either.\u00a0 Which was just fine, because it meant I hadn’t yet found myself in the uncomfortable position of informing her that her new lover was freshly unemployed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sort of self-employed<\/i>,\u201d she replied, and picked up a french-fry off my plate, mopping up the last of my ketchup with it.\u00a0 She had one arm behind me, and her knees sort of pointed in my direction.\u00a0 Jesus, she made me hot even when she ate.\u00a0 Jim sucked the last of his iced tea from his straw and stared right at her.\u00a0 Damn<\/i>, I thought.\u00a0 Jim\u2019s getting tough on my account.\u00a0 Ain\u2019t that something?<\/i> Lucinda licked the ketchup off her thumb and looked at him, grinning.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m a designer, honey.\u00a0 I design ladies\u2019 undergarments.\u201d She winked at him.\u00a0 Jim laughed out loud, a little too loud.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, now, Tommy, I hope you don\u2019t take this the wrong way, but Lucinda, I\u2019d just love to see some of your work.\u201d<\/p>\n
Like I said, I\u2019d sensed something funny when Lucy got back from the ladies\u2019 room, and what Jim and I needed to talk about, we needed privacy for anyway.\u00a0 \u201cHey, Jim, you get this one, and I\u2019ll buy us a beer tonight, yeah?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo much for buying me lunch, then, eh?\u201d\u00a0 Jim pulled out his wallet.\u00a0 \u201cGo on, kid.\u00a0 I\u2019ll see you at Nick\u2019s tonight.\u00a0 9:00.\u00a0 Don\u2019t be late.\u201d<\/p>\n
We got into Lucy\u2019s baby blue \u201965 Falcon.\u00a0 I told her my old junker had been acting up, but the truth was that before lunch, I hadn\u2019t known how much longer I\u2019d be able to afford gas.\u00a0 Felt kinda bad about it \u2013 even though gas was only about a buck a gallon, it\u2019d still cost $20 to fill up Lucy\u2019s tank, and that old beauty could gobble it up in no time.\u00a0 But she didn\u2019t seem to mind.<\/p>\n
She put the keys in the ignition, but didn\u2019t turn them right away \u2013 just sat there for a second with her left hand on the wheel and her right hand on the keys, like she\u2019d forgotten what she was doing.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it, baby?\u00a0 You seemed a bit strange\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTommy, what are we doing?\u00a0 This is fuckin\u2019 crazy.\u00a0 I feel like I just met your daddy.\u00a0 Who the fuck is Jim, anyway?\u00a0 And who the fuck are we to each other?\u00a0 And how come I feel like I\u2019ve known you all my life when I don\u2019t know a thing about you?\u201d\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what to say, but I thought that if I looked away from her right then, I\u2019d lose her \u2013 we\u2019d both lose our nerve.<\/p>\n
So I took a deep breath and said, \u201cMy name\u2019s Tommy Alverado.\u00a0 Tom\u00e1s, actually, but since I don\u2019t speak any Spanish, that name seems kinda silly, and I hate the name Tom.\u00a0 And my mom always called me Tommy, and so did my friends in school, so I guess I never saw any point in changing it.\u00a0 And my mom and dad were never married and my dad wasn\u2019t around too much.\u00a0 I think he might have had another family in Mexico.\u00a0 But they\u2019re both dead now \u2013 died in a car crash when I was 19, just after I never finished high school, so I\u2019ll never know for sure what his story was.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have any brothers or sisters, and I don\u2019t know my grandparents or my aunts or uncles or anything.\u00a0 It was pretty much me and mom until she died and that was always okay. I\u2019ve been working in a factory making widgets for the past decade or so, not making too much out of my life, but enjoying it as it comes. \u00a0Jim was my boss there, but he\u2019s more than that\u2026he\u2019s my friend.\u00a0 He looks out for me. There aren\u2019t any women of particular interest in my life \u2013 in fact, there isn\u2019t anything<\/i> of particular interest in my life \u2013 or there wasn\u2019t\u2026and that was okay, too.\u00a0 And then I met you.\u00a0 And you are blowing my fucking mind, Lucy.\u00a0 And it\u2019s the greatest thing I\u2019ve ever felt in my life,\u201d or something like that.\u00a0 Finally she turned and looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know if I\u2019m ready to tell you all that much just yet, baby.\u201d\u00a0 I started to respond, but she put two fingers to my lips, the two she smoked with.\u00a0 My nose filled with the aroma of her fading perfume and tobacco, and her eyes filled with tears, but none fell.\u00a0 \u201cI can tell you that I\u2019m liking this, though.\u00a0 I\u2019m liking you in my bed when I wake up in the morning.\u00a0 And it\u2019s been a long time since that\u2019s happened for me.\u00a0 So I\u2019m game to keep playing\u2026\u201d her voice cracked. I couldn\u2019t say anything \u2013 her fingers were still gently pressed against my lips, and what was there to say, anyway?\u00a0 \u201cJust please \u2013\u201d now a tear fell. \u201cPlease don\u2019t hurt me,\u201d she said in a whisper.\u00a0 I looked her in the eye, but I still didn\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know how to make a promise like that.\u00a0 I still don\u2019t.<\/p>\n
That night, two big things changed.\u00a0 The first one was that I gave up the lease on my apartment and moved in with Lucy, much to the building manager\u2019s annoyance.\u00a0 (Chingada madre, Tommy!\u00a0 You know I\u2019m s\u2019posed to keep your deposit for that shit!\u00a0 What the fuck am I supposed to tell the <\/i>pendejo owners?\u00a0 I don\u2019t fucking know why I fucking look out for you, man.\u00a0 You owe me for this shit.\u00a0 And that bitch better be fine as fuck.)<\/i>\u00a0 The second one was that I got myself gainfully \u2013 if illegally \u2013 employed.\u00a0 For a couple jobs, anyway.\u00a0 And the pay wasn\u2019t bad \u2013 two grand apiece for one trip.\u00a0 I could make four grand stretch six months, no worries!\u00a0 Jim seemed happy, if a little on edge.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou sure this is the right idea, Jim?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou got any better ones?\u201d\u00a0 I took a sip of the well whisky shot in my hand.\u00a0 All I could think about was looking Lucy in the eye from behind the counter at Taco Bell.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, my friend, I do not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen shut the fuck up and say thank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan\u2019t very well do both at the same time, can I?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight now you ain\u2019t doin\u2019 either one.\u201d<\/p>\n
The next week was maybe the best one in my life.\u00a0 More money came in faster than I\u2019d ever seen it.\u00a0 Lucy was something special.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t ask questions \u2013 not the prying ones, anyway \u2013 it was like she wanted me to have my secrets.\u00a0 It was like we weren\u2019t brains with information and memories and ideas when we were together.\u00a0 We were just hearts with feelings and daydreams and fears.<\/p>\n
The way she cooked, I knew that Southern accent wasn\u2019t the least bit phony, and during the day she\u2019d sit in the room she called the breakfast nook and work, because it had the most light.\u00a0 She had this stool and this big easel, and most often she\u2019d get started right after she cooked me breakfast \u2013 she never ate a thing in the morning.\u00a0 She\u2019d stare at that easel for twenty minutes or so, walking around it like she wanted to fight it, with a cigarette in one hand and her coffee cupped between both, wearing the \u201cladies\u2019 undergarments\u201d she\u2019d designed:\u00a0 a teddy with a short satin robe, or if it was hot she\u2019d walk around in her bra and panties with that robe wide open, her feet bare and that thick red hair tied up in a bun.\u00a0 Jesus<\/i>.\u00a0 Just daring that easel to fight her.\u00a0 And then she\u2019d sit there, the ball of one foot pinned to the floor, the other one propped up on the stool, and she\u2019d be there until one or two when she\u2019d come kiss me, smelling of cigarettes and sweat and the faintest perfume and tell me lunch would be ready just as soon as she cleaned up.<\/p>\n
And while she showered, I\u2019d peek in at her sketches, that weren\u2019t sketches at all, really \u2013 they were works of art.\u00a0 One night we were lying in the grass behind her house, a little bit drunk on Jack Daniels and diet coke (Lucy\u2019s beverage of choice).\u00a0 We had our heads touching, and our feet pointing out in opposite directions from each other, like a straight line.\u00a0 And she said, \u201cYou know what, Tommy-Baby?\u201d which was the name she\u2019d started calling me when she was getting drunk.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t get me wrong \u2013 I like bras and panties just fine, but really I like drawing naked ladies.\u201d\u00a0 And then she burst out in giggles.\u00a0 She rolled over onto her stomach and looked at me.\u00a0 \u201cNo, really!\u00a0 But don\u2019t get any funny ideas.\u00a0 I\u2019m not into the ladies.\u00a0 I just like drawing \u2019em.\u201d<\/p>\n
We never managed to get out of bed before nine.\u00a0 Pulling myself out of bed was hard enough.\u00a0 But pulling myself away from Lucy\u2019s soft, warm skin, pressed up against mine \u2013 that was almost impossible.\u00a0 On the hottest nights we\u2019d kick the sheets off and sleep in the open air before we\u2019d let go of each other, and if we woke up sweaty, mostly it just got us excited and we\u2019d end up awake long enough to wear ourselves out all over again without ever getting out of bed, and then we\u2019d wrap ourselves up with each other again and pass out.<\/p>\n
But Mondays were different.\u00a0 On Mondays, Lucy would wake up before the sun rose.\u00a0 She\u2019d pull my hand back away from her chest ever so slowly, and without making a sound, she\u2019d steal out of the bed.\u00a0 She thought I slept through it, but it always woke me up, just a little bit.\u00a0 It took me a few weeks to figure out it was Mondays.\u00a0 Then one morning, I had to piss.\u00a0 I could see her sitting at the table in the dining room as I crossed the corridor to the bathroom, but she didn\u2019t see me.\u00a0 In that instant, I saw her fold a letter and stick it in an envelope. But I didn\u2019t ask her about it.\u00a0 I figured she deserved her secrets.\u00a0 I figured that if she wanted me to know, she\u2019d tell me.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not known for talking in my sleep, but I\u2019ve done it a few times.\u00a0 One of those times was a Monday morning \u2013 maybe the next one \u2013 as she crawled back into bed, her cool body spooning mine from behind. In that stupor between sleeping and waking, I must have forgotten my internal pledge to her privacy.\u00a0 I said, \u201cWho you writing to out there, baby?\u201d<\/p>\n
My own voice woke me up, and yet I knew what I\u2019d said, and I turned over to look at her, mentally kicking myself.\u00a0 \u201cNever mind, baby.\u00a0 Forget I asked.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, no,\u201d she said, sitting up now, pulling the sheet up to cover her breasts. She picked up the joint we\u2019d started the night before from the ashtray next to the bed and looked at it.\u00a0 \u201cI keep tellin\u2019 myself, one of these days you and me, we\u2019re gonna hafta start tellin\u2019 each other some of our secrets.\u201d\u00a0 She put the joint between her lips, picked up the lighter.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNo better time than the present, I guess.\u201d She lit it and inhaled deeply.<\/p>\n
\u201cBaby we don\u2019t have to\u2026\u201d I didn\u2019t know if I was ready to start spilling my own secrets.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it\u2019s okay \u2013 really,\u201d she said, and exhaled.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m writing to my brother.\u201d\u00a0 She picked up the ashtray and turned the cherry of the joint around in it, evening it out.\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s in prison.\u00a0 In Tennessee.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019d he do?\u201d\u00a0 I asked?\u00a0 Now I was sitting up.\u00a0 She handed me the joint.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, it\u2019s a long story.\u00a0 I\u2019ll keep it simple.\u00a0 My mama had this boyfriend.\u00a0 Rex, she called him.\u00a0 Fuck if I ever knew what that was short for.\u201d\u00a0 She paused, looking straight ahead.\u00a0 I almost said something, she was quiet for so long.\u00a0 Then she continued.\u00a0 \u201cRex was a dirty motherfucker.\u00a0 I guess my mama was too old for him.\u00a0 So he put his hands on me.\u00a0 A few times.\u201d<\/p>\n
My heartbeat increased.\u00a0 I felt so angry all of a sudden, and I was very, very awake.\u00a0 But I took a deep breath.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t say a word.\u00a0 I handed Lucy the joint.\u00a0 \u201cJoey \u2013 that\u2019s my kid brother,\u201d she said, \u201cHe saw us once.\u00a0 He saw that sick old fuck put himself on top of me.\u00a0 That was all it took.\u00a0 Couple hours later the piece of shit was dead.\u00a0 Bullet between the eyes.\u00a0 With his own gun.\u00a0 Joey\u2019d never shot a gun in his life, but he figured out how to shoot ol\u2019 Rex\u2019 gun just fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut surely\u2026considering the circumstances, the courts \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was complicated.\u00a0 Mama didn\u2019t believe either one of us.\u00a0 Or at least she said she didn\u2019t.\u00a0 She wouldn\u2019t stand as a witness for Joey.\u00a0 She stood for the prosecution.\u00a0 Said I was a whore, sleeping with everybody in town, that if her Rex\u2019d slept with me, it was only on account of me seducing him.\u201d\u00a0 She ashed the joint, handed it back to me.\u00a0 There wasn\u2019t the hint of a tear in her eyes.\u00a0 They were steely, cold.\u00a0 \u201cJoey got 15 to life.\u00a0 I got a \u201965 Ford Falcon and the fuck outta Tennessee.\u00a0 Mama got her own gun a couple years later and followed her Rex into Hell.\u201d\u00a0 She slid back into bed, under the sheet, reached across my lap and pulled me toward her. \u201cNow come back to bed.\u201d\u00a0 So I did.\u00a0 But I didn\u2019t sleep.\u00a0 In fact, I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ve ever slept quite right since she told me that story.\u00a0 Still, life went on.\u00a0 And life with Lucy was the best life I\u2019d lived that far.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, Jim and I ran those first two jobs as instructed without a hitch.\u00a0 It seemed so surreal \u2013 I\u2019d never worked nights, so the only times I\u2019d been up all night had involved lots of booze and sometimes other party favors, too.\u00a0 We got paid in advance, and I didn\u2019t like to think about what might happen if things fell through.\u00a0 Whoever the boss was (I\u2019d never talked to anybody but Jim.\u00a0 The guys we met along our route weren\u2019t the most talkative, and I don\u2019t think they were impressed with my lack of the mother tongue, either), he must have liked our work, because we got signed up for six more trips over the next three weeks. $12,000 in my hands \u2013 cash.\u00a0 Man, I\u2019d never seen that much money at one time, and I\u2019d barely tapped into the first four grand we\u2019d been paid.<\/p>\n
I guess maybe I should have been a little worried.\u00a0 There was any number of things to worry about:\u00a0 the law, the gangsters we worked for, Mother Nature.\u00a0 But I\u2019d just never felt so Zen in all my life.\u00a0 And for the most part, those six jobs went right as rain as well.\u00a0 Just that last one \u2013 the water was choppy when we went out, and I asked Jim if maybe we ought to turn her around.\u00a0 But Jim\u2019s pretty macho about that stuff, and I gotta admit, I get a little thrill from a bit of danger.\u00a0 So we stayed the course.\u00a0 When it started raining halfway through the journey, I made a mental note to go out and buy a nice pricey black poncho.\u00a0 We were about an hour late getting in, though, and the handover was a little tense.\u00a0 Still, the people up top must have been satisfied. The night after that last trip, I met Jim at Nick\u2019s.\u00a0 We sat in a dark booth at the back of the bar, normally reserved for groping make-out sessions courtesy of the drunkest couple by the end of the night.\u00a0 Jim slid an envelope across the table to me.\u00a0 It was so full, it had to be taped closed.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much is in here, Jim?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s twenty large, my friend.\u201d<\/p>\n
I let it sink in a bit.\u00a0 We\u2019d been at this less than a month, and I\u2019d barely gotten through $1500 \u2013 I\u2019m no kinda big spender.\u00a0 My yearly salary at the factory had been $18,000 at the height of my career.\u00a0 And here was Jim, effectively doubling that for two months of smooth sailing.\u00a0 Half of me couldn\u2019t believe my luck.\u00a0 Come to think of it, neither did the other half.\u00a0 I\u2019d been burying the money we\u2019d made so far in the rose garden behind Lucy\u2019s house, not sure what else I could do with it.\u00a0 All of a sudden, I got scared.\u00a0 \u201cJim, winter\u2019s coming.\u00a0 What if things get worse on the water?\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim smiled calmly.\u00a0 Apparently he was taking all of this a lot more smoothly than I was.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t you worry \u2019bout a thing, Tommy.\u00a0 I got that covered.\u00a0 I spoke to the big guy.\u00a0 We\u2019ll be carrying walkie-talkies from now on.\u201d\u00a0 He sat back and downed his shot, looking smugly proud of himself.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if they don\u2019t work from way out there, Jim?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019ll work, kid!\u00a0 Listen, what\u2019s got you all worked up, anyway?\u00a0 Was it that last trip?\u00a0 Is it Lucinda?\u00a0 How much\u2019ve you told her about all this, anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n
I ignored his last question.\u00a0 \u201cNo, it\u2019s not that last trip.\u00a0 How much do you know about these guys, Jim?\u00a0 Have you ever even bought more weed than you need to roll up a joint?\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim pulled a ten out of his wallet and put it on the table.\u00a0 \u201cCome on, kid.\u00a0 I think we could both do with just that right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
We went out into the parking lot and leaned up against the side of his truck.\u00a0 Jim lit a bigger joint than I\u2019d ever seen him smoke before.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t help it \u2013 I laughed out loud.\u00a0 \u201cHey, kid, don\u2019t knock it!\u00a0 This shit agrees with me!\u201d\u00a0 He passed me the joint.\u00a0 \u201cNow,\u201d he coughed with his mouth shut, smoke coming out of his nose.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s all this about, huh?\u00a0 These guys have looked after us!\u00a0 Everything\u2019s been smooth as butter.\u00a0 Why all the doom and gloom all of a sudden?\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a pull off the joint and closed my eyes.\u00a0 We weren\u2019t transporting a poor quality product \u2013 that much was certain.\u00a0 \u201cI been thinking,\u201d I said with my mouth full of smoke, and then exhaled the rest of the hit.\u00a0 \u201cThey\u2019re paying us 10% of the overall profit, right?\u201d\u00a0 Jim nodded as he took the joint from me.\u00a0 \u201cThat means they\u2019re making 40 grand with every trip we make, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, so?\u00a0 You don\u2019t think we\u2019re making enough<\/i> out of it, kid?\u00a0 Is that it?\u00a0 I never knew you to be greedy\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNah, it ain\u2019t that.\u201d\u00a0 I took the joint from him and pulled again.\u00a0 \u201cYou ever bought an ounce of weed?\u201d\u00a0 I didn\u2019t wait for him to answer.\u00a0 \u201c60 bucks, Jim.\u00a0 So you do the math.\u00a0 If they\u2019re making 40 grand off of us, and they\u2019re selling each ounce for 60, You know how many ounces we\u2019re carrying?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the fuck, kid?\u00a0 I\u2019m not a fuckin\u2019 mathematician.\u00a0 What\u2019s the fucking point, anyway?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSix-six-six, Jim!\u201d\u00a0 I shouted, louder than I\u2019d meant to.\u00a0 Now I whispered:\u00a0 \u201cSix-six-six!\u201d\u00a0 I was getting high.\u00a0 \u201cSix hundred and sixty-six ounces of weed, Jim.\u00a0 That don\u2019t bother you at all?\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim looked at me like I was nuts.\u00a0\u00a0 He didn\u2019t answer right away.\u00a0 He took the joint off of me and leaned back into the door of his truck.\u00a0 He took another hit and looked around like he was bored.\u00a0 \u201cTommy, you\u2019re just lookin\u2019 for a reason to get outta this, aintcha?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNah, Jim, but don\u2019t you think that\u2019s a bit weird?\u00a0 I mean –\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTommy, the profit they make doesn\u2019t include what they pay us.\u00a0 It don\u2019t include what they pay anybody, from the growers to the punks pushing it in high school and college campuses across the state.\u00a0\u00a0 It don\u2019t include what they pay the dirty cops who look the other way, or the gas they put in our boat twice a week.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know all the math \u2013 I\u2019m just not that important, and neither are you.\u00a0 But I can tell you this:\u00a0 It ain\u2019t as simple as you seem to think it is.\u00a0 And you spending all that time just to come up with this cockamamie BS\u2026\u201d\u00a0 He took a last hit off the joint, looked at it to make sure it was finished, and flicked it into the distance with his thumb and middle finger.\u00a0 He kept looking that way as he said, \u201cYou know, maybe I was wrong\u2026maybe this is too much for you.\u201d\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t being a dick about it.\u00a0 There was genuine concern in his eyes.<\/p>\n
When he turned back to look at me, I looked down.\u00a0 I felt ashamed all of a sudden, like I was letting him down.\u00a0 \u201cNah, Jim, it ain\u2019t that.\u00a0 Look \u2013 forget about it.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 You\u2019re right\u2026I\u2019m just trippin\u2019.\u201d\u00a0 I grabbed my keys out of my pocket. \u201cWhen do we ride out next?\u201d\u00a0 I steadied my voice, mustered the courage to look him dead in the eye, feigning as much confidence as I could.<\/p>\n
\u201cFriday, kid.\u00a0 You sure you\u2019re up for it?\u00a0 I swear I\u2019d never hold it against you\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNah, I got this.\u00a0 I\u2019m good.\u00a0 No worries.\u201d\u00a0 We shook hands and he pulled me to him for a hug \u2013 a man hug, with a couple of macho pats to the back.\u00a0 Then he pushed me back and held me by the shoulder, his right hand still clinging to mine, and looked me in the eye.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is our chance, kid.\u00a0 If we keep this up a while, we\u2019ll be set until we can get back on our feet, ya know?\u00a0 Just a few more runs, couple more months \u2013 maybe a year \u2013 save whatever we can and that\u2019ll tide us over until something better \u2013 more legit \u2013 comes along.\u00a0 We\u2019ll be alright.\u201d\u00a0 The way he said it, he was sort of pleading with me.<\/p>\n
I realized then that, even if he didn\u2019t hold it against me, he needed me.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t have anybody else he could trust with this.\u00a0 And I didn\u2019t want to let him down.\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t.\u00a0 I loved that guy.<\/p>\n
Maybe I should have listened to my gut then.\u00a0 The next trip wasn\u2019t smooth at all.\u00a0 In fact, it didn\u2019t happen.\u00a0 We got stuck in a traffic jam from Oceanside to La Jolla. We heard on the radio that six cars had been totaled.\u00a0 By the time we got to the scene of the accident, all we saw was a cordoned-off part of the road, what remained of the cars left little to the imagination as to what must have happened to the drivers.\u00a0 There was even blood all along the asphalt.\u00a0 Took us an extra two hours to get to our first stop, and by the time we arrived and dropped off the car, it seemed our ride had given up on us.\u00a0 We walked to a taquer\u00eda, thankful it was still open, trying to stay calm and look normal.\u00a0 Jim ordered us a couple of Negro Modelos and I scanned the parking lot for signs of life.\u00a0 This part of the trip was normally so smooth, I hadn\u2019t begun to think about what might happen if we turned up late.<\/p>\n
An old man approached the counter.\u00a0 \u201cUna Especial, por favor.\u201d\u00a0 He looked up at me.\u00a0 \u201cSon muy tarde hoy.\u201d At the time I had no clue what he\u2019d said.\u00a0 I looked at Jim.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s with them,\u201d Jim said to me, and then that fat old white guy proceeded to speak what sounded to me like perfect Mexican Spanish with the creepy old man for about five minutes.\u00a0 Neither one of them seemed upset in the least; I had the impression we\u2019d be just fine in spite of the slip-up.\u00a0 The boat didn\u2019t leave for another couple of hours, after all.\u00a0 \u201cWe gotta go, kid,\u201d said Jim, not looking me in the eye.\u00a0 That was when I knew there was a problem.<\/p>\n
\u201cTo the motel?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNah \u2013 seems they got somebody to handle this one for us.\u00a0 Seems the big guy wants a chat with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t know what to say.\u00a0 The coward in me wanted to shout, But then how come I gotta come?\u00a0 <\/i>But I kept cool, nodded my head and kept it low from that point.\u00a0 The old man took the keys off Jim and we got back into the car we\u2019d driven down from LA.\u00a0 He drove us to a house about an hour away and pointed at a door around the back.\u00a0 As soon as we got out, he drove off.\u00a0 The house didn\u2019t look like anything special from the outside, just painted fuchsia, nothing unusual around these parts.\u00a0 It was at least a quarter of a mile from any of the other houses, which had all been built much closer together.\u00a0 The grass around it was cut, but there wasn\u2019t a flower or a bush in sight.\u00a0 We knocked, but nobody answered.\u00a0 Jim tried the door and we were surprised to find it open.\u00a0 The inside was probably the most bizarre \u2013 it was bare.\u00a0 Not a carpet or a couch or a TV.\u00a0 No tiles or paint on the walls \u2013 nothing.\u00a0 Looked like it hadn\u2019t ever had anything in it before, either, but it was far from new.\u00a0 We planted ourselves on the dirt floor.\u00a0 Jim pulled out a pack of Camels from his shirt pocket and threw them onto the ground between us.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen\u2019d you start smoking?\u201d\u00a0 It was the first thing I\u2019d said in what felt like ages.\u00a0 Jim handed me a smoke.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t.\u00a0 Just carry \u2019em around.\u00a0 One of those you-never-know sorta things.\u201d\u00a0 Sure enough, the cigarette was stale and old, but the smoke in my lungs and the taste on my mouth were reassuring in their familiarity.\u00a0 And at least it was something to do.\u00a0 We sat and smoked in silence, staring at the dirt floor, illuminated by a powerful stream of moonlight coming through the window.\u00a0 Jim said, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you try and get some sleep, kid?\u00a0 Not sure how long we\u2019ll be here.\u201d\u00a0 No way I could sleep, but I didn\u2019t say anything \u2013 just shrugged and smiled a little.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want him to worry; somehow I felt like I had to help Jim be the one in charge, and the best way to do that was to neither freak out nor zone out.\u00a0 So I just went back to staring at the dirt floor, reaching for another nasty old cigarette from time to time.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t until the sun was starting to rise that we heard somebody drive up.\u00a0 I looked at Jim, who was looking at the wall, in the direction of the sound of tires rolling over gravel outside the door.\u00a0 The engine stopped and we heard two car doors open and close.\u00a0 All of a sudden, Jim stood up and brushed himself off, gesturing for me to do the same.\u00a0 I guess he didn\u2019t want anybody to see us sitting on our asses for one reason or another.\u00a0 Maybe it made him feel less powerless, even if it was only a symbolic illusion.<\/p>\n
The door opened and a stream of light flooded the room from the sun rising just behind it.\u00a0 \u201cBuenos d\u00edas, amigos.\u201d\u00a0 He was just a silhouette against the brilliant sunlight behind him.\u00a0 A smaller silhouette stood in the distance outside.\u00a0 I could tell his back was to us only from the direction his cowboy boots faced.\u00a0 \u201cMy name is Alejandro.\u00a0 I\u2019ve heard good things about you.\u00a0 The gringo que habla espa\u00f1ol, y el Chicano who don\u2019t know a word.\u201d\u00a0 He laughed.\u00a0 \u201cFunny story.\u201d\u00a0 He squatted down to where Jim\u2019s pack of cigarettes lay, alongside our many butts and nearly empty book of matches.\u00a0 Suddenly I felt sick from the tobacco, ashamed from smoking so much, like it betrayed our fear.\u00a0 Like Jim, I wanted to look stronger than I felt.\u00a0 Alejandro cut an intimidating figure, black steel-toe snakeskin boots, tight black Levis, black suit vest over his black shirt, buttoned up to the top, black leather cowboy hat.\u00a0 Juanito Cash<\/i>, I thought.\u00a0 \u201cMay I?\u201d he said, holding up the pack with one cigarette left.\u00a0 Jim gestured for him to go ahead.\u00a0 I got a look at Jim just then, holding his shoulders back, his eyes narrowed, and one foot pointed right at me, his knee kind of bent, like he was ready to lunge almost.\u00a0 Maybe to protect me.\u00a0 But then maybe I imagined that.<\/p>\n
Alejandro lit his cigarette.\u00a0 \u201cGentlemen, last night was\u2026problematic, no?\u201d\u00a0 He flicked the match away still lit.\u00a0 I watched the flame expire as it hit the ground, the smoke mingling with the dust already sparkling in the morning sunlight.\u00a0 \u201cListen, listen,\u201d he smiled and looked down, held up his hand like he\u2019d just told a joke to a live audience.\u00a0 \u201cI get it! Pero there cannot be any excuses here, comprenden?\u201d\u00a0 Neither of us had said a single word.\u00a0 I figured my best bet would be to keep my mouth shut and let Jim do the talking, but he wasn\u2019t doing any of that.\u00a0 Hell<\/i>, I thought.\u00a0 What\u2019s he gonna say anyway?\u00a0 No excuses, right?<\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cAnyways, you pendejos are pinche lucky.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know for what, but the boss likes you,\u201d here he looked at Jim, \u201cand he wants for you to keep working with us.\u201d\u00a0 He looked at the cigarette between his fingers sourly.\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s pretty fucking disgusting, hombre,\u201d he said, looking at me this time.\u00a0 \u201cI thought cigarillos Americanos were supposed to be all better and stuff.\u201d\u00a0 He dropped it and squashed it with his boot, still looking at me.\u00a0 \u201cOkay.\u00a0 Here\u2019s how it\u2019s going down.\u00a0 You gotta do three more trips to make up for this one.\u00a0 You gotta do those on the house, no?\u00a0 So that means you got 14 more trips before we talk again.\u201d\u00a0 He turned to leave, pulling his vest back as he did so the sun caught the metal on the gun tucked into his jeans.\u00a0 \u201cLet\u2019s not talk again, okay?\u201d\u00a0 He tipped his hat and started to walk out.<\/p>\n
\u201cWait!\u201d Jim cried out, sounding a lot less brave than I know for a fact he\u2019d hoped.\u00a0 \u201cJust how the fuck are we supposed to get out of here?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cKeys are in the car, amigo.\u00a0 Leave it parked wherever you like.\u00a0 We\u2019ll find it.\u201d\u00a0 And then he left.<\/p>\n
It was well past 3:00 when Jim pulled up in front of Lucy\u2019s to drop me off.\u00a0 We\u2019d barely spoken three words to each other in the entire 7 hour drive from wherever-the-fuck-we-were, two hours of which were spent driving in circles trying to figure out which direction to go.\u00a0 \u201cTommy, I\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cForget it, Jim.\u00a0 It\u2019s alright.\u201d\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t look him in the eyes.\u00a0 \u201cWe\u2019ll get through these next runs, and then we\u2019ll figure it out from there, okay?\u201d\u00a0 I found the courage to look up.\u00a0 \u201cHey,\u201d I said, forcing a smile, \u201cat least the rent\u2019s paid, right?\u201d\u00a0 Jim smiled the best he could, but averted my eyes when I looked up, pretending to fiddle with the stick on his truck.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou bet, kid.\u00a0 See ya in a couple days.\u00a0 Go be with that pretty lady you got in there.\u201d\u00a0 As he drove off, I felt grateful for the fatigue that washed over me \u2013 that likely washed over Jim \u2013 because without it, neither of us was going to get any sleep that night.\u00a0 I flung my jacket over my shoulder and walked to the door.\u00a0 Man, I was not<\/i> prepared for what I saw.<\/p>\n
There she was \u2013 Lucy sitting on the floor in her bathrobe, bra and panties, barefooted, hair a mess, a half-empty bottle of Jack to her left, her eyes swollen and her cheeks and nose red from crying.\u00a0 She looked so sad and confused when she looked up at me.\u00a0 I rushed over to her, sat down beside her and pulled her to me.\u00a0 At first she just clutched my arms and wept into my chest.\u00a0 \u201cBaby, it\u2019s okay \u2013 I\u2019m here,\u201d was all I could say.\u00a0 I had no idea where all this had come from.\u00a0 But then she was clutching my arms more tightly.\u00a0 I gently reached around to loosen her grip, and she let go right away, but she kept her head pressed up against me, and started pounding me on the chest, lightly at first, and then harder.\u00a0 \u201cBaby, what the fuck?\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong?\u201d I pushed her away, but held onto her arms, trying to get her to look me in the eye.\u00a0 \u201cBaby, look at me!\u00a0 What\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n
It was almost a whisper:\u00a0 \u201cWhere the fuck were you?\u201d\u00a0 The booze on her breath was ripe.\u00a0 \u201cWhere the fuck were you?\u201d she asked again, this time more loudly.<\/p>\n
\u201cBaby, stuff came up.\u00a0 It\u2019s a little complicated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFuck you!\u00a0 I\u2019ll show you complicated.\u00a0 They don\u2019t have phones wherever it is you go at night?\u00a0 Pack your shit, Tommy. Get the fuck out.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have time for this.\u201d\u00a0 I still had her by both arms, but the fire had gone out of her.\u00a0 I waited, not sure what to say, afraid I\u2019d fuck it all up if I said anything at all.\u00a0 In that moment, my heart was frozen with what I can only describe as terror.\u00a0 My whole body went cold with fear.\u00a0 More fear than Alejandro could have ever inspired.\u00a0 Finally she looked up at me, sad though \u2013 not angry.\u00a0 \u201cI never ask you nothin\u2019, Tommy.\u00a0 Never.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, Baby.\u201d \u00a0I was still tongue-tied.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere the fuck were you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan we make a pot of coffee maybe?\u00a0 And then we can sit down and I\u2019ll tell you all about it.\u201d\u00a0 She eyed me suspiciously for a second, then looked down and nodded.\u00a0 So that\u2019s what we did \u2013 she went to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee.\u00a0 I sat down at the table and waited.\u00a0 Man, I\u2019d been dreaming about coming home and getting into a hot shower and washing last night off of me and then convincing Lucy to crawl into bed beside me, no matter how early it was.\u00a0 I\u2019m not gonna lie \u2013 I\u2019m no tough guy.\u00a0 I was scared, and all I wanted was for her to hold me in her arms and let me lay my head on her chest while she stroked my hair and we listened to each other breathing.\u00a0 But that wasn\u2019t how it was going to play out.\u00a0 I had to tell it to her plain.<\/p>\n
I honestly think the only reason she didn\u2019t kick me out that day was because she was too tired and drunk, but in the end she listened.\u00a0 And for whatever reason, she believed me.\u00a0 About half-way through our third cup, Lucy had started to sober up, and I was getting my head back.\u00a0 \u201cBaby, I\u2019m starved,\u201d I said.\u00a0 \u201cAnd I\u2019m dying for a shower.\u201d\u00a0 Lucy reached over for the phone and in two minutes she\u2019d put in an order for Chinese.\u00a0 Then she hung up, took my hand and led me to the bathroom, pushing play on the stereo along the way.\u00a0 \u201cSleep Walk\u201d came on, and I don\u2019t know what song on earth could have been more perfect in that moment.\u00a0 We made it to the bathroom and she leaned over to run the bath.\u00a0 As the hot water poured into the tub and the steel guitar played that grownup lullaby in the living room, she slowly and gently took off all my clothes, kissing me softly sometimes, inhaling my scent, caressing her cheek against my skin.\u00a0 We got into the tub together and she lay on top of me, her arms around me and her head against my chest.\u00a0 We must have closed our eyes, because that\u2019s the last thing I remember before the bell rang with the Chinese food.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are we gonna do, Tommy?\u201d she asked me later, as we sat picking at the remaining noodles and sweet and sour pork in the boxes at our feet.<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing, Baby.\u00a0 There\u2019s nothing to do.\u00a0 I just gotta keep on doing what I\u2019ve been doing.\u00a0 Once me and Jim\u2019ve finished that last job, I\u2019ll bow out.\u00a0 Find a real job somewhere.\u00a0 Plus, I\u2019ll have enough money to tide us over until I find something decent.\u201d I put my chopsticks down and leaned over to nuzzle her neck.\u00a0 She pushed me away gently.<\/p>\n
\u201cTommy, it ain\u2019t about that.\u00a0 We don\u2019t need the money.\u00a0 I\u2019m doing alright.\u00a0 Can\u2019t you call it quits now<\/i>?\u00a0 It ain\u2019t safe, Baby.\u201d\u00a0 Her voice cracked and I looked into her eyes, afraid she\u2019d started crying again.\u00a0 I pulled out a paper and some grass and started rolling a joint.\u00a0 \u201cI almost don\u2019t wanna smoke it, thinkin\u2019 about what you went through last night,\u201d she said.\u00a0 I grinned at her and she chuckled.\u00a0 \u201cAlmost.\u201d<\/p>\n
As soon as we finished the joint I took her hand and led her to the bedroom, turning off the stereo and the lights along the way.\u00a0 This time I undressed her, although to be fair, all she wore was that sexy green silk robe and a pair of panties.\u00a0 I think I kissed her everywhere that night, on every square centimeter of her milky skin.\u00a0 This time we didn\u2019t fall asleep right away, but after we finished, I laid her down on her back, just as I\u2019d been wanting to do all goddamn day, and I moved her long, thick hair away from her chest, and lay my head down there as I curled up alongside her, draping my leg across hers.\u00a0 And then I reached for her hand and brought it up to my head, and she wound her fingers into my curls and stroked my hair, and in that moment, life was perfect, in spite of it all.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s funny, what you remember and what you don\u2019t.\u00a0 For instance, I remember exactly how Lucy\u2019s fingers felt wrapped up in my hair that night, how her short nails gently scratched my scalp, how the moonlight caught the shimmer in her hair. But I don\u2019t remember too much about the next few weeks.\u00a0 Jim came around every Monday and Thursday evening for business, and we went out to Nick\u2019s a few times.\u00a0 Lucy decided to decorate for Christmas, and I swear that was the first Christmas tree I\u2019d had in my own home since before my mom died.\u00a0 I remember how the smell of pine filled up the house, and how I couldn\u2019t help but get a bit sentimental thinking about my mom the night me and Lucy decorated and drank a little too much eggnog.\u00a0 Lucy kept on working and the days turned into weeks.\u00a0 Before I knew it, Jim and I had three runs left before our \u201ccontract\u201d was up, so I figured no time better to let him know I was done.\u00a0 Plus, I had more big news.<\/p>\n
We went to Nick\u2019s\u2026not sure either one of us knew how to have a serious conversation anywhere else.\u00a0 He was more than cool about it.\u00a0 In fact, I was surprised at how well he took it, but I wasn\u2019t going to question my luck.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou sure, kid?\u00a0 I know we had some hiccups back there, but it\u2019s been fine since then, hasn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n
I told him it had, told him I was lucky to\u2019ve had the chance to be his right-hand man.\u00a0 \u201cYou know, Jim, I gotta be honest, I\u2019m just not that hard, you know?\u00a0 And Lucy\u2026\u201d How would he take it if I told him she knew everything?<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t worry, kid.\u00a0 I get it.\u00a0 I understand.\u00a0 So what\u2019re you gonna do?\u00a0 What\u2019s your plan?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFuck knows!\u00a0 Get a job?\u00a0 I was thinkin\u2019 about going for my GED\u2026just to have it, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure, I know.\u00a0 It\u2019s a good thing to have.\u00a0 Shame you didn\u2019t get your diploma way back when.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd, erm\u2026there\u2019s something else.\u201d\u00a0 My heart swelled with hope \u2013 would he be happy?\u00a0 Why wouldn\u2019t he be?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know why, but I was sweating as I told him:\u00a0 \u201cLucy\u2019s\u2026we\u2019re pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim literally whooped.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure I knew what that word meant until I heard him do it.\u00a0 Then he said, \u201cHot damn!\u201d like, for real, and I\u2019m pretty sure I\u2019d never heard anybody actually say that before, either.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it, a girl or a boy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, we don\u2019t know yet\u2026takes a few months before you find out.\u201d He\u2019d really never done this before.\u00a0 Sometimes Jim\u2019s naivet\u00e9 amazed me.\u00a0 \u201cBut you\u2019ll be the first person I tell.\u00a0 Give you lots of time to get us the right presents.\u201d\u00a0 He grinned.\u00a0 \u201cJim, I was gonna ask\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is it, kid?\u00a0 You need money?\u00a0 Goddamnit, Tommy \u2013 you gone through it already?\u00a0 Now, don\u2019t you worry \u2013 we\u2019ll work it out!\u201d\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t help but smile at the concern in his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt ain\u2019t that, Jim \u2013 we\u2019re okay for cash.\u00a0 It\u2019s just,\u201d I took a deep breath. \u201cLucy\u2019s dad\u2019s dead, too, and I was hoping \u2013 I thought maybe you wouldn\u2019t mind if he \u2013 or she \u2013 called you grandpa.\u00a0 Or papa, or whatever kids call grandparents.\u201d\u00a0 Jim didn\u2019t say a word for a second, and I didn\u2019t know what to think.\u00a0 Looking back, that was some dumbass shit, but at the time, I still felt like a damaged orphan.\u00a0 I should\u2019ve known Jim would be touched.\u00a0 I should\u2019ve known how much he loved me.<\/p>\n
\u201cShit, kid.\u201d\u00a0 He wouldn\u2019t even look up from his drink. I saw him wipe at his eyes with his sleeve, then he looked me in the eye, tears and all.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d be fucking honored,\u201d he said, taking hold of my shoulder for the briefest second and holding me at arm\u2019s length, like he wanted to say something.\u00a0 But he didn’t.\u00a0 He wiped his nose on his sleeve and stood up.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m gonna take a piss.\u00a0 Back in a minute.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dolly, Jim\u2019s favorite bartender, came over as he left the table.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019d you go and do to my Jimmy?\u201d she asked smiling.\u00a0 She knew how it was with Jim and me.\u00a0 Hell, she\u2019d have probably known more about what we got up to than anybody else, if she bothered paying any attention to what we said at Nick\u2019s.\u00a0 But I don\u2019t think she did.\u00a0 Dolly kept her nose out of other people\u2019s business.\u00a0 Probably had enough of her own shit to deal with.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m just teasin\u2019 ya, honey.\u00a0 But listen, there\u2019s a couple of guys at the bar keep lookin\u2019 this way,\u201d she flicked her eyes up in her head to point them out.\u00a0 \u201cJust thought I\u2019d let you know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Up at the bar sat two Alejandro look-alikes, all dressed up for a cowboy funeral, staring at me like I killed the cowboy.\u00a0 When they saw me see them, one of them grinned at me and turned his back, while the other kept on staring, elbow propped on the bar, one boot propped on his barstool, a beer in his hand and a scowl on his face.\u00a0 Jim came back from the bathroom none-the-wiser and sat down across from me, with his back to our admirers.\u00a0 I probably should have said something witty \u2013 Don\u2019t look now Jim, but I think we\u2019ve got company<\/i> \u2013 but I was too scared to even think about it.\u00a0 \u201cJim\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
He must have seen the look in my eyes.\u00a0 \u201cWhat is it, kid?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t look now, okay?\u00a0 Behind you there\u2019s a couple of dudes who seem to have taken a keen interest in us.\u201d\u00a0 Jim stiffened.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do they look like?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlejandro.\u00a0 But meaner.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jim sat there for a minute, staring at the table in front of him like the answer to this predicament might be hidden in the rings left by so many pint glasses over the years.\u00a0 \u201cI tell you what, if they want to talk to us, they can come right over and say hello.\u00a0 And if they don\u2019t, well what the fuck are we supposed to do about it?\u00a0 Buy \u2019em a fuckin\u2019 drink for Christ\u2019s sake?\u201d\u00a0 He finished his shot of whisky and looked at me.\u00a0 \u201cFinish your drink, kid.\u00a0 Let\u2019s get the fuck outta here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fair enough<\/i>, I thought. Can\u2019t jump to any conclusions\u2026and what choice do we have?<\/i> So I downed my drink and got up, trying to look as normal as you like, as if we were leaving for any reason but the fact that there were two very intimidating fellows at the bar who apparently couldn\u2019t take their eyes off of us.\u00a0 Jim managed to smile and wave at Dolly on his way out.\u00a0 I caught her eye as well.\u00a0 She looked damn worried.<\/p>\n
Jim drove us home in his truck and didn\u2019t say much along the way.\u00a0 \u201cChange the station if you like.\u201d . . . \u201cThis fuckin\u2019 light pisses me off.\u00a0 They really need to do something about it.\u201d . . . \u201cShoulda eaten before we left\u2026fuckin\u2019 heartburn.\u201d As he pulled up to drop me off, he said, \u201cListen, Tommy: don\u2019t you worry about nothin\u2019.\u00a0 I got this one covered, okay?\u00a0 I\u2019ll find out what their beef is and I\u2019ll make it right, okay?\u00a0 In the meantime, you get a good night\u2019s rest before our trip tomorrow, and you give Lucinda a huge kiss for me.\u00a0 You tell her she\u2019s the best thing ever happened to you, and I\u2019m proud of you when she\u2019s by your side.\u00a0 You tell her that for me, will ya?\u00a0 And I\u2019ll see you tomorrow night.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was as sentimental as he\u2019d ever been with me.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know if he said all those things because he was scared, or because he was happy about all the stuff we\u2019d talked about before the boogeymen came and interrupted us.\u00a0 Probably it was a bit of both.\u00a0 Whatever the case, I never got around to telling Lucy.<\/p>\n
She was asleep when I got home.\u00a0 Ever since she found out she was pregnant, she\u2019d started this whole new regime. Bed by eleven, up by seven, no more coffee, booze or smokes \u2013 not even a puff on a joint once in a while.\u00a0 No more burgers for dinner and bacon for breakfast:\u00a0 It ain\u2019t just me gotta be healthy for this baby, Tommy.\u00a0 You gotta shape up, too<\/i>.\u00a0 And since she\u2019d never once told me what to do, I thought I could at least try.\u00a0 I crawled in behind her and wrapped my arms around her.\u00a0 God, she was soft.\u00a0 She wiggled a little and pressed her back into my belly and her ass into my groin.\u00a0 Still asleep, she grabbed my arm and brought it up between her breasts, but not before I let my hand graze the beautiful bump that was emerging just beneath them \u2013 still tiny, invisible when she was clothed, but I knew her body better than I knew my own, and I could feel the difference even if I couldn\u2019t see it.<\/p>\n
Next morning she was up and off before I even got out of bed.\u00a0 I walked naked into the kitchen to find a note:\u00a0 Morning, Sunshine!\u00a0 Off to see the doc and do some errands.\u00a0 Make yourself a sandwich for lunch, will you?\u00a0 Don\u2019t know when I\u2019ll be home, but I\u2019ll be back before you leave. I love you. L.<\/i>\u00a0 I reread the note a couple of times.\u00a0 I liked the whimsical way she wrote.\u00a0 Somehow, everything she did was just prettier, nicer, fancier.\u00a0 I thought I\u2019d give Jim a call, make sure everything was set for tonight, see if he\u2019d heard anything about the creeps we\u2019d seen at Nick\u2019s the night before.<\/p>\n
His phone rang four times.\u00a0 Then, This is Jim.\u00a0 Leave a message.\u00a0 BEEP.\u00a0 <\/i>I hung up.\u00a0 I thought it was pretty strange that he wasn\u2019t home \u2013 Jim almost never got up before noon.\u00a0 But I put on the coffee and got into the shower.\u00a0 Figured I\u2019d call him back in an hour or so.\u00a0 And I did.\u00a0 Still no answer.\u00a0 I thought maybe he couldn\u2019t hear the phone \u2013 maybe he was sleeping too deeply.\u00a0 So I tried again twice more.\u00a0 Calling him over and over again was making me nervous.\u00a0 I decided I\u2019d just drive over to his place \u2013 it was only 10 minutes away, after all, and at least I could get on with my day if I knew there was nothing to worry about.<\/p>\n
Jim had a shitty old driveway, and I cursed it every time I pulled into it, cursed Jim for never getting it re-laid, cursed my piece of shit car.\u00a0 But this time I didn\u2019t even notice.\u00a0 First, I saw Jim\u2019s car, which stressed me out all by itself.\u00a0 Why didn\u2019t he pick up the goddamn phone?\u00a0 <\/i>Jim never walked anywhere.\u00a0 If he\u2019d left, he\u2019d have taken his car.\u00a0 By the time I realized there was a visitor, I\u2019d already pulled into the driveway behind Jim\u2019s car.\u00a0 I saw his lookout through my rearview mirror, staring out of his own car window, and I swear he made eye contact with me even from there, even through the mirror.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t figure I had much choice other than to go inside, and anyway, I wasn\u2019t going to leave Jim there like that.\u00a0 I was scared out of my mind, but I thought I had to toughen up for Jim\u2019s sake\u2026for my own.\u00a0 I thought running wouldn\u2019t get any of us anywhere, and if they saw how weak I felt, it wasn\u2019t going to help me.\u00a0 Now I know that in this life there are those who call shots and those who don\u2019t.\u00a0 I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n
I got out of my car and shut the door, and then turned to look the guy in the eye \u2013 just for a second, but long enough that he saw me look at him dead-on.\u00a0 I thought that might let him know he didn\u2019t scare me, even if my gut was turning over like I don\u2019t know what, even if I thought I might throw up at any second.\u00a0 Then I turned and headed to the back entrance of Jim\u2019s place, thinking that might throw whoever might be in there with him just a little.\u00a0 Jim and I never carried weapons.\u00a0 We both agreed that if we had a gun, we\u2019d be more likely to shoot the gun, and therefore more likely to be shot at by other people\u2019s guns.\u00a0 We just figured we\u2019d keep it as simple as we could.\u00a0 We figured if we just did the job well, we\u2019d be in and out of this gig in no time.\u00a0 But in that moment, I wished so bad I\u2019d been packing.\u00a0 Not that I\u2019d have known what the fuck to do with the damn thing \u2013 just that it might have made me feel less small, less impotent.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t bother knocking \u2013 just walked right in.\u00a0 In retrospect, that was pretty fucking stupid of me.\u00a0 Could have easily been shot in the head by a goon caught unawares. Instead, cool as ice, three guns were cocked and pointed at my head within the first half a second of me walking in.\u00a0 I raised my hands like I\u2019d seen done in the movies about a hundred times while one of them patted me down, and looked over at Jim, on the other side of the room, crumpled on the floor and looking down, blood dripping from his face.\u00a0 He looked up at me, and I saw that his mouth was split from a hard hit to the right, and his left eye was swollen shut.\u00a0 There was a tooth in the puddle of blood at his feet.<\/p>\n
\u201cGoddamnit, kid!\u00a0 What the fuck are you doing here?\u00a0 What kinda idiot walks into a scene like this on purpose!\u00a0 Why didn\u2019t you just fuckin\u2019 drive away?\u00a0 Where are your goddamn instincts, goddamnit?\u201d\u00a0 He started coughing, and I could see from the way his body shook that every cough was excruciating.<\/p>\n
I started to walk up to him, but an open hand pressed firmly against my chest.\u00a0 I looked up to my left to see Alejandro smiling at me, just like we\u2019d run into each other at church.\u00a0 \u201cBienvenidos, Tommy.\u00a0 We weren\u2019t expecting you so early.\u00a0 This really makes things so much easier for us, to be honest.\u201d\u00a0 He pulled a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiped Jim\u2019s blood off of his fist.\u00a0 I gagged a little, hoped no one saw.<\/p>\n
\u201cJim, what the fuck?\u201d\u00a0 I whispered desperately, as if he could somehow communicate what the hell was happening all around us while they all stood there listening and watching.\u00a0 There were four of them all together, all armed, plus the guy outside.<\/p>\n
Alejandro took it upon himself to answer for Jim.\u00a0 \u201cThe fuck, Tommy, is that your amigo has a very big boca.\u00a0 That\u2019s a mouth, in case you didn\u2019t know, Americano.\u00a0 Oh, s\u00ed, he talks too much!\u00a0 To the wrong people, comprendes?\u00a0 Like, he could have talked to me, no?\u00a0 Or to you \u2013 you\u2019re his friend, right?\u201d\u00a0 He walked over to Jim and cupped his bruised and bleeding face in his right hand.\u00a0 \u201cPero, no.\u00a0 Our trusted amigo had to go and talk to the pinche LAPD!\u201d\u00a0 He backhanded Jim with his left hand as he said the last bit; Jim\u2019s blood sprayed across the tight black jeans of one of the others.<\/p>\n
\u201cStop!\u201d\u00a0 I shouted.\u00a0 I was beside myself.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know what to do.\u00a0 I was drenched in sweat, and my mind was racing.\u00a0 \u201cStop for just a second.\u00a0 Please, Alejandro, talk to me,\u201d I pleaded.\u00a0 But I was looking at Jim.\u00a0 \u201cTell me what the fuck is going on.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou expect me to believe you knew nothing, my friend?\u201d\u00a0 He looked up at the others, laughing.\u00a0 \u201cJaime\u2019s best amigo over here didn\u2019t know nothing.\u00a0 You believe that, Jesus?\u201d Jesus stood silently, his hands folded around his pistol in front of his groin.\u00a0 He just shook his head slowly, robotically.\u00a0 \u201cMe neither!\u201d And with that Alejandro backhanded me with his right hand \u2013 the hand now holding his gun.\u00a0 I fell to my knees for a second, saw stars, heard Jim shout through the ringing in my ears, through his swollen mouth No!\u00a0 Stop!\u00a0 He don\u2019t know nothin\u2019!\u00a0 <\/i><\/p>\n
I blinked as hard as I could.\u00a0 I shook my head and took a deep breath.\u00a0 Blood ran down my face from somewhere \u2013 my ear?\u00a0 \u201cAlejandro\u2014\u201d I started, but he cut me off.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u00a0 No, no, no.\u00a0 You\u2019re done talking for now.\u00a0 Here\u2019s what\u2019s going to happen.\u00a0 We\u2019re expecting a visitor.\u00a0 A very pretty lady.\u00a0 She\u2019s on her way here as we speak.\u00a0 Had to reschedule her doctor\u2019s appointment, apparently.\u201d\u00a0 Jim and I both shouted at the same time; Alejandro decked me, while one of the others decked Jim.\u00a0 God, we were helpless.\u00a0 \u201cY Jaime, you need to confess your sins to your amigo there so he knows the score.\u00a0 Go on, now.\u201d He gestured for me to walk toward Jim with his gun, and then he gestured for the others to back off.\u00a0 I walked over to Jim slowly, out of fear, but also because my head still spun from the last time he\u2019d hit me.\u00a0 I kneeled down beside Jim.\u00a0 He looked up at me as my face came level with his.\u00a0 God, he looked so sad.\u00a0 His chin quivered as the tears started falling from his swollen eyes, mixing in with the blood all over his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cKid\u2026Tommy\u2026I\u2019m so sorry,\u201d he whispered.\u00a0 He forced himself to keep looking me in the eye.\u00a0 \u201cAfter the last time, I\u2026I got scared.\u00a0 Not just for me.\u201d As he said the last part his look hardened.\u00a0 He said it sternly, with conviction.\u00a0 \u201cThis cocksucker\u2019s right,\u201d he said, nodding his head in Alejandro\u2019s direction.\u00a0 \u201cI talked.\u00a0 But I guess I talked to the wrong guy\u2026I didn\u2019t know which cops were the dirty ones\u2026I thought I was doing the best thing\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJim, why didn\u2019t you tell me?\u201d\u00a0 Now I was crying.\u00a0 I knew this was going to be the last time I talked to my dear friend\u2026he\u2019d been my best friend, less like a father \u2013 more like a fuck-up uncle.\u00a0 Somebody I\u2019d known loved me and wanted the best for me.\u00a0 And this was it.\u00a0 He just looked at me so pathetically now\u2026so helpless, so sorry.<\/p>\n
\u201cTommy, I swear, I was trying to protect you\u2026I felt so goddamn terrible for getting you into this in the first place.\u201d<\/p>\n
I took his right hand into mine.\u00a0 \u201cI know you do.\u00a0 I know you were.\u00a0 Don\u2019t worry about it, Jim.\u00a0 We\u2019ll get through this.\u201d\u00a0 Even as I said the words, I knew I was lying.\u00a0 So did Jim.\u00a0 He spit out some blood onto the floor.<\/p>\n
\u201cKid, I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ve gotten us in a little over our heads.\u00a0 I hope some day you\u2019ll forgive me for being such a ignorant motherfucker.\u00a0 Shoulda studied up on this crime shit before I got us into it, eh?\u201d He managed some kind of a crooked bloody smile.\u00a0 I could see two missing teeth when he did.<\/p>\n
Alejandro stepped toward us.\u00a0 \u201cOkay, enough of this bullshit.\u201d\u00a0 He pulled me up by my collar.\u00a0 The next part just happened so fast.\u00a0 \u201cAnd now, Tommy, without further ado, let me show you what we do to people who fucking narc.\u201d And he pointed his gun at Jim, who never once stopped looking at me, and shot him in the head.\u00a0 Just like that.\u00a0 I fell to my knees\u2026I\u2019d never in my life felt such a blow to my insides.\u00a0 I watched the blood pool away from Jim\u2019s head where he lay motionless on the floor before me.\u00a0 I vaguely heard Alejandro say something in the distance, and then I felt his open hand slap my face.<\/p>\n
\u201cPendejo!\u00a0 I\u2019m talking to you.\u00a0 The fucking guest of honor has arrived.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you show some respect, esse?\u201d\u00a0 I looked up to see the worst nightmare I\u2019d never had:\u00a0 Lucy, in a lovely green summer dress and a white sweater.\u00a0 She was pulling at the sweater with one hand where it had torn, where they\u2019d torn it.\u00a0 I remember thinking how chilly she must have been in that dress.\u00a0 It felt like ages before I found the courage to look up at her face.\u00a0 She just kept looking from Jim to me, from me to Jim.\u00a0 She trembled, and leaned toward me, whimpering, with eyes that pleaded with me.\u00a0 They\u2019d hit her at least once \u2013 I could tell by her fat lip and the bit of blood now crusting around her nostril.\u00a0 She was sobbing and sweating.\u00a0 Her hair was tied back, but the little bits around her face were stuck to her temples and forehead with perspiration.\u00a0 My mouth went cotton dry.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, Tommy?\u00a0 Where\u2019s your manners?\u00a0 You\u2019re not going to say hello to this beautiful girl?\u00a0 She came all this way just for you!\u201d\u00a0 I couldn\u2019t process any thought.\u00a0 I just wanted to get her out of there any way I could.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlejandro \u2013\u201d My voice cracked. I could barely summon a whisper. \u201cPlease, she\u2019s got nothing to do with this.\u00a0 Please.\u201d\u00a0 Alejandro walked over to where I was kneeling, squatted down beside me.\u00a0 \u201cPlease, Alejandro\u2026she\u2019s pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that so?\u201d\u00a0 He stood up again and looked at Lucy.\u00a0 \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you say so?\u00a0 Oh, this will go much quicker now.\u201d\u00a0 He stood up, walked over to my beautiful green-eyed Lucy, who looked at me, who looked at me.\u00a0 He put his left hand on her shoulder, and before I could even register what was happening, he pulled his right hand back and punched her squarely in the gut as hard as he could.\u00a0 Lucy screamed.\u00a0 I screamed.\u00a0 She fell to the floor, passed out. Somehow I\u2019d risen to my feet. I was lunging toward her, but two of them held me back.\u00a0 I felt surprised to find myself there, to find them there behind me.\u00a0 Alejandro walked over to me.\u00a0 He held his gun against my temple and brought his face so close to mine I could smell his breath, feel the heat coming off of him.\u00a0 \u201cListen to me, you wanna-be g\u00fcero. \u00a0Here\u2019s what\u2019s going to happen now.\u00a0 I\u2019m going to clean up this mess over here,\u201d he gestured to Jim with his pistol, like he was nothing more than a burdensome pile of garbage.\u00a0 \u201cAnd you and your lady are going to get the fuck out of here and go home.\u00a0 Tonight, you\u2019ll do this run solo, comprendes?\u00a0 Pero this time you go straight to the motel.\u00a0 And when you arrive, there will be some nice men in shiny uniforms to come and give you a ride to your new home.\u00a0 And you will not say a word to nobody, and neither will that bitch laying right there, you hear me?\u00a0 About any of this, or that, or whatever, hombre, because I promise you that we really liked Jim.\u00a0 And I promise you that we really don\u2019t like you, or your puta girlfriend.\u00a0 So I don\u2019t like to think about how we would punish your bad decisions, okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
And that was it.\u00a0 He just walked away from me like I\u2019d vanished into thin air.\u00a0 He and his associates started cleaning up the \u201cmess\u201d they called Jim.\u00a0 Lucy still lay in a pile near the back door.\u00a0 As soon as I saw her I snapped into some kind of gear \u2013 I picked her up and carried her out to my car, lay her down in the back seat, pushed the hair away from her eyes and got into the driver\u2019s seat.\u00a0 I drove as fast as I could to the hospital, right up to the emergency room doors like what you see in the movies.\u00a0 A nurse outside was smoking.\u00a0 One look at my face and he said, \u201cChair or stretcher?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStretcher,\u201d I replied.\u00a0 Lucy had come to on the drive there, but she was in shock and hadn\u2019t responded to anything I said.\u00a0 They made me wait outside for what seemed like hours, but was probably only about an hour and a half\u2026by that point, in spite of the grief, in spite of the fear, I\u2019d begun watching the time, knowing that I had to do this run, or I didn\u2019t know what they might do to me\u2026to Lucy.\u00a0 A nurse came out finally, looking for me.\u00a0 Looking angry.\u00a0 And then she saw my face and she softened.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s stable.\u00a0 Mostly in shock.\u00a0 She\u2019s promised it wasn\u2019t you who did this to her, but she\u2019s refusing to say who it was.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs the baby\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBaby?\u00a0 She\u2019s pregnant?\u00a0 Jesus!\u00a0 Okay \u2013 I\u2019ll be back.\u201d\u00a0 I looked at the time.\u00a0 I had to go.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan I see her?\u00a0 Just for a second?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou married?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m afraid not.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSir, it\u2019s not in my hands.\u00a0 And now, I\u2019ve got work to do, if you\u2019ll excuse me.\u201d\u00a0 She started off again, muttering to herself, \u201cIf people would only tell us what the fuck is going on half the time!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cListen,\u201d I said, fully aware that I was about to sound like the biggest piece of shit asshole on the planet.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ve got to go.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be back \u2013 tell her I\u2019ll be back.\u00a0 Tell her I love her.\u00a0 And\u2026and tell her I\u2019ll be back, okay?\u201d\u00a0 She started to turn.\u00a0 \u201cWait!\u201d\u00a0 I reached into my pocket and pulled out an old receipt.\u00a0 \u201cYou got a pen?\u201d\u00a0 She exasperatedly reached into her pocket and pulled one out for me.\u00a0 I scribbled as fast as I could, My love for you runs deeper than the roots of the rose bushes in your garden.<\/i>\u00a0 \u201cMake sure she gets this, okay?\u00a0 Okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, okay, buddy.\u00a0 I\u2019ll tell her.\u00a0 I\u2019ll make sure.\u00a0 You know, you need to be seen by a doctor yourself.\u00a0 But whatever.\u00a0 You go and do whatever\u2019s more important than being here, now.\u00a0 You go on.\u201d\u00a0 And she stormed off.<\/p>\n
The rest is a blur.\u00a0 I remember coming out of the hospital and seeing one of Alejandro\u2019s goons standing next to an old Cadillac, staring right at me, holding the keys at eye level.\u00a0 Then he dropped them where he stood and walked away.\u00a0 It hadn\u2019t even occurred to me that I had no idea where to pick up the car.\u00a0 Jim had always handled all of that.\u00a0 I walked over to the car, picked up the keys, and got inside.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember how it drove, whether or not I turned on the radio.\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember passing through border patrol, whether or not I followed the speed limit.\u00a0 I only remember pulling into that roach-infested motel.\u00a0 This time I didn\u2019t have to check in.\u00a0 Somebody was sitting in the dingy, dimly lit reception area on an armchair torn in so many places the springs stuck out.\u00a0 \u201cV\u00e1monos,\u201d was all he said, and we got in another car and drove to the coast.<\/p>\n
The ocean was calm that night.\u00a0 As I made my way around the border, a big part of me wished it wasn\u2019t, wished it would swallow me up and wash all this pain away.\u00a0 But the rest of me was in control, and I knew I needed to get back, because Lucy might make it if she could spend the rest of her life hating me.\u00a0 But if I died, I\u2019d take that away from her, too.\u00a0 I owed her that much.\u00a0 She deserved to hate me \u2013 not to mourn me.\u00a0 So I would make it to San Diego one last time.\u00a0 And I did, hours ahead of schedule, owing to the hasty hand-over in TJ.\u00a0 And sure enough, there were I-don\u2019t-know-how-many police cars parked in the lot overlooking the cliffs that led down to the beach.\u00a0 I had to look up to see them as their drivers approached the boat.\u00a0 I blessed the soft white sand as they slammed my body down into it to be searched, and then pulled my hands behind my back to be cuffed.\u00a0 They even cuffed my ankles.\u00a0 Before we\u2019d made our way to the bottom of the cliffs, I could hear the crowbar or whatever it was crack into the wood in the boat\u2019s sideboards.\u00a0 We got it!<\/i>\u00a0 They shouted.\u00a0 Their lucky day.<\/p>\n
And that was it, really.\u00a0 I mean, there was a trial, and apparently Lucy was questioned, but I never saw her, and I was found guilty of a whole bunch of trafficking violations, and the judge said that since I was having such a hard time remembering anybody who helped me out, he was going to make an example out of me, blah-blah-blah. And I got twenty.\u00a0 And here I am.<\/p>\n
I tried asking at first whether the baby was okay, but anybody I asked either didn\u2019t know or wouldn\u2019t say.\u00a0 My own attorney \u2013 court-appointed \u2013 did not give a shit, and refused to contact Lucy.\u00a0 Said it would be bad for the case.\u00a0 I said, \u201cHey, then you must think regular meetings with your client would be bad for the case, right?\u00a0 That\u2019s why I never see you?\u201d I guess I couldn\u2019t blame her.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t talk \u2013 I couldn\u2019t \u2013 and so she had no case.\u00a0 I guess she didn\u2019t really see the point in meeting with me.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been here three weeks, and I don\u2019t know if I ever felt so low.\u00a0 I can\u2019t read or watch TV, can\u2019t focus.\u00a0 If I was looking to make friends, I\u2019d be sorely disappointed.\u00a0 I blend neither with the peckerwoods nor the vatos.\u00a0 But I\u2019m not interested in friendship.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ll ever be interested in that road again.\u00a0 At this moment, it\u2019s visiting hour, and I can\u2019t think of a single person in the whole world who would want to see my face.\u00a0 And the way I feel right now, I\u2019m not sure that\u2019s such a bad thing.\u00a0 I\u2019m sitting on my bunk \u2013 the lower one, so I have to hunch, although I\u2019m not sure I could find the strength to sit up straight anymore anyway. I\u2019m staring at the brick wall in front of me.\u00a0 Reflecting on my sins, I guess, which is why we\u2019re all here, right?\u00a0 All of a sudden my thoughts are interrupted by a loud bang at the bars to my cell.<\/p>\n
\u201cAlverado!\u00a0 Visitor!\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost ask the guard to repeat himself.\u00a0 Instead I say, \u201cAre you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looks at me for a split second and then turns to leave.\u00a0 \u201cDo I look like I make mistakes, motherfucker?\u00a0 Hurry the fuck up.\u201d<\/p>\n
My feet feel light, giddy, as if they\u2019d fallen asleep while I sat there.\u00a0 Pins and needles all over me.\u00a0 I feel excited for the first time in weeks.\u00a0 Who could it be?<\/i>\u00a0 I think about asking the guard.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know why, but I decide not to.\u00a0 I enter the visitation room, a row of orange backs, all leaning forward to decrease the distance between the prisoner and the outside. Who could it be?<\/i>\u00a0 I wonder if an old buddy from the factory found out I was here.\u00a0 Maybe somebody who knew Jim. Maybe it\u2019s one of the fuckers who killed Jim.<\/p>\n
But then I see that hair \u2013 just a lock \u2013 behind the window, behind the partition separating our talking space from the one alongside it.\u00a0 And I stop in my tracks.\u00a0 My eyes well with tears.\u00a0 I take a deep breath.\u00a0 I swallow back the lump in my throat, which seems to be caused by my heart trying to escape through my mouth.\u00a0 I knew it was you,<\/i> I think, even if that’s a lie.\u00a0 I find my courage and move forward, into the chair.\u00a0 She isn\u2019t smiling.\u00a0 She starts crying when she sees me.\u00a0 \u201cI knew it was you,\u201d I say, without picking up the phone, but she hears me, somehow.\u00a0 She puts her hand against the glass and I do, too.\u00a0 And we\u2019re crying together.\u00a0 I pick up the phone.\u00a0 She wipes away the tears from her face and does the same.\u00a0\u00a0 Then she cautiously looks to her right and left, and reaches into her bra, pulls out some tiny pieces of paper.\u00a0 They\u2019re no bigger than an inch either way, and they look like they\u2019ve been cut with the utmost care.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been doing a bit of gardening lately,\u201d she says out loud, and presses one of the pieces of paper against the window:\u00a0 I found it<\/i>, it says, and then she does something that makes me laugh out loud for the first time since I’ve been inside inside: she eats it!\u00a0 \u201cI needed some time, Tommy, to figure out if I could be the kinda girl who comes to a prison every week to see her man.\u201d\u00a0 She presses the second piece of paper against the glass:\u00a0 Witness Protection<\/i>, and puts it on her tongue, like the holy wafers my mom used to eat in church.\u00a0 \u201cThink I might need some more time to think.\u00a0 Thought I might learn a new language. What do you think about French?\u201d\u00a0 She swallows, then puts up a third note:\u00a0 Tahiti?<\/i>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t said a word.\u00a0 \u201cSo I might go away for a while.\u201d\u00a0 And finally: Come with me?<\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cLucy, I\u2026\u201d I trail off\u2026I\u2019m speechless, but the tears in my eyes and smile on my face, I know she knows my mind.<\/p>\n
She smiles back at me just a little, at last.\u00a0 And then she looks serious again.\u00a0 \u201cI think it\u2019d better just be Lucinda\u2026for now.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"